In my pre-mommy days, I was a snarky, sarcastic, uppity singleton. (I am not saying all singletons are like that, or that any singletons are like that, but I sure was!) I looked at mothers as something I would never turn into. If I ever had a child, I was going to be sophisticated, all-knowing mother with the well behaved child who never acted out or up. I was going to work out of the home, I was going to go out at night, and I was never going to act cutesy (blech!) with my child. My husband and I were not only going to talk about our children, we would hold intellectual conversations that I would be able to follow and focus on. There would be a clear line between where I stopped and my child started. I was not going to live my life through my children.
So, that didn't happen. (As I'm sure you've guessed.) I am a stay/work at home mother, I only remember things 5 seconds after they happened, I'm knackered all the time, I haven't showered in days, and I can't hold a conversation for more than one minute with my long suffering husband. I don't live my life through my daughter. I delight in her independence. The way she can already play with her toys and books on her own. The way she looks at me when she wants me to stop playing with her toys. She's hilarious.
The one thing I find interesting/suprising is that I talk about Izzie with "Someone did..." or "We did..." I never say that Izzie did something negative, or use Izzie's name to describe how her day was. I use the royal "we" instead. I have become we. And I wonder if this is right. Am I doing damage to my child by not subjecting her to the negatives? Talking about her as us. I never talk(ed) about Phil and I as "us." So why am I doing it now? Or is it possible that I am trying sheild my daughter from my negativity.
I remember when I was pregnant, I avoided peanut butter like the plague. I had read an article that stated if a pregnant woman ate peanut butter, her child was more prone to a peanut allergy. Then a few months after Izzie was born, I read an article stating the opposite. I started shoving peanut butter in my mouth so my breast feed daughter would build an immunity. How are any of us to know how what we are doing now will effect and change our children? How? HOW?? Blerg, it's very annoying.
So from her on out, I will continue as I have. I will refer to Izzie as someone when I'm talking about a negative circumstance and I will talk about "our" day. I will not change a thing. Because the constant second guessing never stops.